Break-ups are rarely ever easy or painless, even if you’re the breaker instead of the breakee. When you become in any way attached to another person for an extended period of time letting them go out in the world in a separate direction is plain hard, no matter what the circumstances.

But every now and then in your online dating life you encounter a break-up that feels as though the whole world ended, and it imploded inside of your chest cavity. Usually this is following a relationship of years, in which houses, furniture, pets or even children can be involved. Splitting up after years together feels like cutting off a limb, and the negotiations regarding possessions and friends that follows feels like putting salt in that wound. Once the period that I refer to as “Conquering and Dividing” occurs, you may then move on to the next levels of a big break-up. I name them as follows:

1. The Wheepy Phase- The time when seeing so much as their old T-Shirt that got mixed in with your things makes you break into a glob of tears and emotional hysteria.
2. The Angry Phase- When your anger takes over and you ponder the many ways to end their existence. I think of this phase as a defense mechanism that your mind picks up because you just can’t cry forever.
3. The Dishonest Phase- When you tell everyone that will listen, including yourself, that you’re so over that person and you’re far better off without them.
4. The Moment of Clarity- When you realize, usually quite suddenly, that you’re not over them and ponder whether you’re really better off now.
5. The Numb Phase- When enough time passes and you’re eventually forced to move on completely. You might begin dating again during this phase, or at best not crying yourself to sleep most nights.
6. The Reminiscence Phase- When you’ve probably started dating again, or are in a relationship, and you look back on that person or relationship and can begin to see things clearly. Things that used to seem completely ludicrous and the fault of the other person morph in your clarity into scenarios that your actions impacted or could have changed. Blame often shifts during this phase as you become finally able to be honest with yourself about the relationship and your part in it, now that admitting you were wrong won’t kill your ego or send you into a tailspin of impenetrable sadness.

The truth of the matter is not flowery, it is not romantic and it is not the stuff that Disney movies are made of: People hurt us, they leave, and we don’t usually forget the pain or the person. Likewise we hurt other people, and the same process goes for them. But at some point you’ve got to get up, dust yourself off and just keep swimming (thanks Nemo).